Here’s my “All Over the Map” from the 12.04.2013 Arkansas Weekly:
Let’s peek into the “All Over the Map” mailbag, and answer questions from my readers. My first question comes from Billy Spline of Batesville, Arkansas.
Dear Mr. Grace,
I am 16 years old, and I recently started to really like a classmate of mine. Do you have any advice on what I should do to have a “perfect” date?
Thank you for your letter. Young love is a wonderful feeling. One truly begins to feel the joy life has to offer when they are experiencing such new and delightful emotions. I remember my first love, Mildred Pennifore, as if it was yesterday. She was coy at first, but then after I left a rose on her school desk, our relationship blossomed. In fact, let me suggest you take a page out of my romance playbook, circa 1983-ish, during my days as a “Teenage Casanova.”
First, make sure you have access to a car with T-tops. Trust me. You’ll be looking all risky business when you pull into her driveway. Next, have some good romantic music playing. I’d suggest something that shows not only do you have culture, but you also appreciate exquisite musical artistry and lyrics with subtle meaning and substance. So naturally, you’re going to want a power ballad from Whitesnake’s 1984 album, Slide It In.
I’d then drive to the nearest Golden Corral, walk her inside, and say, “It’s all you can eat, and it’s on me.” Then during dinner, be very interested in her and ask flattering questions such as “Did you use a curling iron to make your bangs stand up so beautifully like that?” or “Has anyone ever told you that you look fantastic in those acid washed Lee jeans?” By the time you hit the Chocolate Fountain, she’ll be putty in your hands and a memorable night will be had.
Nothing can tarnish the memories of my first “puppy love” with Mildred, and I hope your first night out will be the beginning of a similar relationship. And even though I was a tad surprised when I later found out Mildred had undergone a sex change operation at the age of 29, I still cherish the memory of our times together.
I retired to the Cushman area from Madison, Wisconsin in 2012. I’ve read lots of columns from various newspapers over the years. When I received my first issue of Arkansas Weekly, I read your “All Over the Map” column. I’ve since read every one to date, and I’m convinced you have problems.
If I were you, I’d slowly put away the keyboard, move away from the desk, and have someone drive you to the nearest psychiatric facility.
Marianne Myrtle Krenshaw
Dear Marianne Myrtle,
Thank you so much for reading and your concern, but the only problem I have is being constantly mistaken for Brad Pitt when I walk down the street. Oh, that, and a painful case of the gout. Time to put up the malt liquor I suppose!
Dear Mr. Grace,
You have been running a lot of repeat columns as of late. You only have to write one column every week. That should not be a hard job, particularly with the crap you write.
What’s your problem?
Fred Starrett, Jr. III
Cave City, Arkansas
Thank you for your letter. I have been sporadic in my postings over the past few months, but I have had a busy schedule. In August, I spent most of the month in France, helping craft the world’s first designer line of fashionable slacks with hernia trusses already fitted inside the crotch area. In September, for exercise and fun, I decided to journey to Miami for a stint in a pole dancing school. Then in October, I suffered a severe paper cut. The pain and trauma of the slice and its subsequent healing kept my finger, and thus hand, out of action for a while.
Thanks for understanding. My boo-boo all better now.
|Actual photo of Rob's intense paper cut.|